S07E16 The 7 Primal Questions for Missionaries: What's Yours? with Mike Foster

Have you ever found yourself reacting bigger than the moment called for—and not really knowing why? Or maybe you’re trying to be the best parent, teammate, or leader you can be, but something keeps tripping you up. 

In this episode, we talk with Mike Foster about the seven primal questions that shape how we show up in life and relationships. This conversation is full of lightbulb moments and honest reflections, helping you name the need behind the scramble, and find language for what’s been stirring in you for a while. It’s a conversation about self-leadership, grace, and the surprising strengths that come from our deepest needs.

Thanks for listening! Email us your questions at care@modernday.org

Website · YouTube · Facebook · Instagram · TikTok · X · LinkedIn

Chapters

• 0:58 Meet Mike Foster
• 1:39 Introducing the 7 Primal Questions
• 2:14 The Origin and Research Behind the Primal Questions
• 5:01 Exploring the 7 Primal Questions
• 13:17 Understanding the Impact of Primal Questions
• 21:02 Communicating and Customizing Around Primal Questions
• 24:15 Self-Leadership and Managing Primal Questions
• 28:12 Understanding the Scramble: Kid Logic in Adult Problems
• 30:39 Communicating Needs in Relationships
• 32:10 Examples of Primal Questions in Action
• 38:25 Strategies for Meeting Primal Needs
• 44:52 The Power of Primal Questions in Relationships
• 47:15 Conclusion and Resources

Transcript

[00:00:00] Mike Foster: I want to live a smart, strategic life. I want to have healthy relationships in my marriage, with my kids, with my friends, with the people I work with; I want to have a healthy relationship with myself. And if I sort of pretend this need for safety is not there. And we're just gonna pretend that doesn't exist. Well, we're doing ourselves a massive disservice in our lives. 

The thing that you want most is the thing that you most want to give away. So if you know, it's, am I wanted, you have the superpower of belonging. If it's, am I good enough? You have the superpower of distributing value and worth in the people.  If it's, am I safe? And you have the ability to protect and create safety and reduce risk for people. And so it's this beautiful superpower and strength that comes from this need. And so it's not just about our own self awareness or even relationships, but it's a gift that we have that needs to be deployed into the work that we're doing.

[00:00:58] Stephanie Gutierrez: Welcome to Modern Day Missionaries, a podcast by Modern Day Missions created for missionaries by missionaries. I'm your host, Stephanie Gutierrez.

What if one core question is quietly shaping how you do ministry, relate to your team and respond when things get hard? Today we talk with Mike Foster about the seven primal questions and how naming yours can bring clarity to relationships, your rhythms, and your sense of calling.  Knowing your question will help you better understand and lead yourself and those around you.

[00:01:33] Stephanie Gutierrez: Mike, thanks so much for being with us today. We are so glad you could join us.

[00:01:38] Mike Foster: My pleasure. Good to be with you, Stephanie. 

[00:01:39] Stephanie Gutierrez: We're going to have fun because we're going to be talking about these seven primal questions, which maybe not everyone's heard of before. And so I'd love to just kind of go right there and ask you, Mike, where did the idea of these seven primal questions come from? What sparked your interest into finding out what they were? Why do they matter so much? And is this just another personality test or how is it something unique and different? So tell us a little bit about the background of these and why they are so significant to our lives as missionaries. 

[00:02:14] Mike Foster: Yeah. So I have been working with people for decades now in terms of helping them experience  a thriving, flourishing life. And so the concept really came out of the coaching and counseling I was doing with clients. And one of the things that I have become very aware of in my own  self is how impatient I am. And so one of the things that I've always sort of struggled with a lot of different processes, or as we talk about human transformation, is that I think it takes too long and it goes too slow. And so as I'm working, I'm always trying to find a way to accelerate growth to make the process go faster. And the only way that's going to happen is if we rip out all the complexity and we get to the core of what's actually going on and get super radical clarity for people so they can actually take the action that they need in their lives. 

And so the concept of the primal question is all built around those values and that approach, and it consists of almost 6 years of research now and over 100, 000 assessments, 22 group labs, about 6, 000 hours of one on one interviews that I did with people around understanding the thing underneath the thing that drives everything and the thing that makes us who we are and the lens of how we see our relationships and our marriages and the work that we do. I tried to drill it down into a singular question that sheds a lot of light onto why we are the way we are and why we do what we do.

[00:04:07] Stephanie Gutierrez: It does. And I think that's what drew me to it was its simplicity. As much as I love a good complex personality test too, but I think for a lot of people, they're looking for something that's a little bit more tangible and simplistic that they can kind of wrap their mind around and get, like you said, to the heart of the matter quickly. And that was what I really noticed with this one. 

I kind of started testing it out after I had read the book. I think I heard you on Carrie Newhoff's podcast and started mentioning it to some of the people in my life and everybody almost right away could identify what their question was after thinking about it for a few minutes. And it really got them thinking. So I love the simplicity and that you get to the heart of the matter. It also isn't labeling someone or putting them in a box for all the people who refuse to be labeled. There's no labels.  

So we should just jump right to it as well. Tell us what the seven primal questions are.

[00:05:03] Mike Foster: Yeah, so the way the concept works is  in our early childhood, we're imprinted with a question around a core need that we have as human beings. And each of the seven questions represent a core need, kind of fundamental need of the human experience. And basically what happens is that need goes unmet or is confusing in our early childhood. So we are imprinted with one of these seven questions. And then we carry this now into our adult life. 

And we subconsciously kind of below the surface, continually ask this question in almost everything that we do. And when we get a yes to our primal question, whatever that question might be for us, that was imprinted upon us, life is good. We're flourishing; we're our best selves. But when we get a no to that primal question or a maybe to that primal question we go into what I call a scramble. I write about this in the book and the scramble is all the things that we do to try to force the answer back to a yes to our primal question.

So that's a very sort of simple idea, but very powerful; it has a lot of implications in our life. And so the seven questions, by the way, when I go through the seven, there may be a few that resonate with you. That's very normal, but according to the model and the research is actually one that's driving everything. Now there may be others that resonate with you and they have some energy around those questions for you, but there's really one primal question that we need to pay attention to. 

And so question number one is the question, am I safe? And this has to do with the need for emotional and physical safety in our lives. And typically the imprint on this question is early childhood trauma or neglect or sort of chaos in our homes. And so we never really felt like we were safe. And so again, we then carry that question to our adult lives. And we continue to ask that question. Am I safe? When you get a yes, you're great. But when you get a no or maybe you go into your scramble and you do, you figure out all these different ways to answer that question with a yes.  

Question number two is the question, am I secure? And this has to do with financial resources. Do I have enough resources to secure my life, to protect myself? It's different from safety because it's really much more a resource focused question around our security. And in the imprint here Stephanie, is really just, if you grew up in a home where maybe there wasn't a lot of money and money was tight, or mom and dad argued about, you know bills and bill collectors are calling and there's just sort of this instability around having enough. And so these folks tend to be very focused on money and their numbers and the bank accounts and kind of struggle sometimes with a scarcity mindset that there isn't enough to go around.  

Question number three is am I loved? This is the need to feel seen, known, and heard. 

Question number four is the question, am I wanted? This is around the core need to feel included or pursued or connected in a relationship. And so sometimes the imprint here is maybe you had grown up and your mom and dad got a divorce or, and dad stopped coming around, or maybe you were the middle child and you just felt like an outsider. Again, a need that was going unmet of belonging or was confused of whether you belonged in the family or not, or whether dad wanted to connect with you or wanted you or not. Confusion. You then take this question into your adult life and you keep asking it, am I wanted, am I wanted? And that has huge ramifications in your life.

Question number five, am I successful? This is the need to win and achieve. Typically the imprint here is you maybe grew up in a very competitive home where there's sort of like a scoreboard in the house and we're very much tracking trophies and grades and performance around achievement. 

The question number six is, am I good enough? Which is really just around the idea of value and worth. And this question tends to be an existential question for people where it's not just am I good enough in this area or that area, but really, am I good enough to even be here? Right? To exist. And so there's this constant question and insecurity around their value and worth. And typically this flows from an early childhood imprint of a lot of criticism perhaps perfectionistic tendency from parents a lot of judgment. Dad didn't like your hairstyle. Mom didn't like your clothes. You know, sometimes there's just this sense of like always nitpicking on the child. And so the child just doesn't ever feel like they can measure up. And so then they carry the same question of, am I good enough into their adult lives, wondering whether they measure up in everything, every aspect, work, family, marriage, parenting, doesn't matter. They're asking this primal question. 

And then find the final question is, do I have a purpose? And this is just the need for impact and making a difference. And interestingly enough, Stephanie, the research on this one shows that a lot of people who grew up in a faith based home have this question and it's important to know that not every single primal question is attached to trauma, okay? It's something bad that happened to you in your childhood. It's really a place of confusion, or some wires got crossed. 

And that's really typical of this particular question, where you grew up in a, perhaps a faith based home, where they talk about God's calling on your life. God's gonna do great things in your life; you're gonna have a huge impact and go save the world. Okay, and that's what we're doing as a in our family or what we're doing our church and then all of a sudden you know you grow up and you're an adult now and maybe you're you're a middle manager at some big company and you're just working on Excel spreadsheets all day and you're like this doesn't feel very meaningful; this doesn't feel like I'm changing the world; this doesn't feel very impactful. And so there's a lot of judgment. 

And these folks tend to struggle a lot with calling angst where they feel like, did I miss God's calling for my life? Does my life even have purpose? And so they get into this scramble of trying to really figure out how to have the most maximum impact to really figure out what God's calling is in their life. And I always invite them to say, okay, we need to redefine what purpose actually is. And I know as a society, we measure purpose in terms of numbers and scale, right? It's big, then it's really important and meaningful. But if it's small, that's not so purposeful; that's not so impactful. But I like to make the case that if you're building wells in Rwanda and bringing clean water to thousands of people, that has great purpose. But so does making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for your five year old; today that has a great purpose also. And so then, when we think about that question, there's really an opportunity to redefine our definitions and, and in a much more healthy way.

[00:13:18] Stephanie Gutierrez: And you talked about different ways of kind of coming at what that question might be. I know one really simple way is you have the assessment right there on your website, which is a great thing that people can do. It's a free assessment right there. Another one is looking back at what your childhood was like. What might have been some impact on that? 

And to your point, it isn't always a childhood trauma. Just being very vulnerable, my question is: Am I good enough? And I was raised in a household where I was very much affirmed and loved and, and all of that, but somehow it got inside of me that I just needed to be good and better and better and better. And I don't know exactly how that came about. I have two parents who, their question is around purpose. And so, I mean, we just had purpose in our house all day long and why are we doing this, what are we doing? 

And it was fun actually talking to my mom about this question. At first when we were kind of going through it, she's like, I wonder what mine could be? And I started thinking about the types of questions she asks all the time or how she's evaluating her activity. I mean, back to when she was leading this huge Bible study for women. And then now she's in other types of serving areas. But one of the things she loves most is, has been taking care of her mother before she passed away and her dad. And then some of the things she does with taking care of our daughter with special needs, so we can do ministry. And she finds every bit as much purpose in that as when she was doing larger scale ministry. And I love that because she can identify the purpose in the activity, but everything she does revolves around that question. 

So that's an interesting question to me because that one is so, it feels different for some reason than some of the other ones. Because it doesn't kind of have that trauma type feel to the background. Some of these other questions, I'm curious for you Mike, if you've noticed that with other people, because some of these questions can almost be hard to admit. They sound a little I don't know if I want to tell people that that's something I'm thinking about all of the time. Is that something you've noticed with people? Right.

[00:15:27] Mike Foster: I think if we stepped back and just sort of said, okay, every single primal question is representing a very deep human need that we have. And so it's not even just the question itself, it's the concept of even having a need. Because we're so conditioned to some of the themes of our society and the messages that we've received as people are like, oh, and especially in sort of faith based circles, like we don't talk about my needs, we talk about your needs. How can I meet your needs?  Or in American culture, it's like, if you have a need, well, that makes you weak or selfish. Just, you know, pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Needs are not discussed. They're not welcome. They're often judged. 

So all of a sudden, then you take the assessment and find that you have the need for, I don't know, safety. And you're like, wow, I have no framework for discussing that, sharing that talking to my closest friends or family about that because I have grown up in a culture that does not know how to do things. So that's problem number one. And then we look at the actual need itself or the question. So say again, am I safe? That's actually my primal question. So there's early childhood trauma in my story. And so I look at a lot of the messaging around men and safety. Okay. Like I'm not allowed to be scared. Okay. Like there's sort of this whole concept of what masculinity is and how men should be. And we're supposed to be fearless and strong. And here I am going, oh my gosh, I have a need for safety because of this early childhood imprint that I have. And so I think that a real big imitation that we have in this model in this framework is this, in many ways, that if you stop playing this game, that we've been taught that our needs aren't important or that they don't matter because nobody wins that way. You know, if I'm not communicating to my spouse, my need, my primal need for safety, then our relationship is not going to be as strong as it could be. If you're not communicating, Stephanie, to your spouse, that your need for value and worth and to feel good enough is the most important thing to you, then we're leaving chips on the table in terms of our relationships and we're not going to experience these things. 

And I've noticed just in my own life and with the people that I work with. The primal question you will be contended with will impact your life. It's not something we can deny or stuff down. It has strong implications and you can sort of live in this place of denial around this need and pretend it's not real and say, oh no, that's not me, I want the more happier primal question of, do I have purpose, which happens a lot by the way.  Question seven is often what I call a phantom question. Because people feel that that's an acceptable need to have, whereas the other six are less acceptable needs to have.

Again, lots of judgment around this topic. And so just saying, hey, listen, I want to live a smart, strategic life. I want to have healthy relationships. I want to have healthy relationships in my marriage, with my kids, with my friends, with the people I work with; I want to have a healthy relationship with myself. And if I sort of pretend this need for safety or, or for you, the need to be valued and good enough is not there, and we're just gonna pretend that doesn't exist. Well, we're doing ourselves a massive disservice in our lives, 

[00:19:36] Stephanie Gutierrez: Yeah, and this is something that's highly personal. So this is not like Myers Briggs where you go around and say, I'm an INFJ. You don't have to walk around and tell everyone your primal question. You can keep that to yourself. But to your point, telling the most important people in your life will really give them insight on what might trigger you.

So I remember when I talked to my husband about it and shared what mine was and he shared with me what he was. We had some really interesting conversations like, oh, I can see why that, you know, this sets you off. And we both had done the Enneagram, which I think has some links. So it had linked that a little bit, but this took it even a step further, I think, in going deeper in some of these areas. But it's helpful to know a person who's close to you, what their primary question is, because you can communicate with them in a more effective way. You can understand where they're coming from, you know, for my mom, when she talks about when she's talking about the things she's doing and evaluating her list for the week, I know she needs to see purpose. So I can help her see purpose when she takes care of our daughter with special needs. I can affirm that in her and remind her, hey, when you do that, I cannot tell you how much of a blessing that is for us. She's actually right now going to pick her up from her day program right now so that you and I can have this conversation. And so I'm going to tell her afterwards about how awesome this conversation was and how all these missionaries are going to get to hear what you had to share because she went and did that for us. So it has, this is a powerful thing. This isn't just for funsies. 

I'd love for you to even just say a little bit more about the impact that knowing your primal question can have on the people around you.

[00:21:09] Mike Foster: Yeah, well, I love what you're doing there, Stephanie. And I think you're really leaning into the real goals of awareness. Because the awareness isn't just so like, oh, so now I know my question; great, or now I know my husband's question or my mom's question. It really gets into the application part. Like, how do we apply this? 

And to me, the way I'm going to have healthy relationships with people is understanding and speaking to their greatest needs. So like you are customizing your communication around your mom's greatest need. Like I'm going to remind her how purposeful this, this pickup of your daughter is going to be and how that's going to impact. And not only in your daughter's life and your life, but also the impact beyond into the missionary's life. Like all of a sudden we begin to customize our language. Like I would say this, you know, knowing your primal question is, am I good enough? I, as your friend would say, okay, I want to be very strategic about affirming Stephanie affirming her value and worth making sure that I'm aware of, like, if I start kind of sounding a little judgy or critical like, because that, that's what I write about in the book called our kryptonite, which is basically like a big no to our primal question.

And each primal question has kryptonite. Kryptonite for question six, am I good enough, is judgment or criticism. And so I, as your friend, want to be aware that, if I do want to give feedback to Stephanie, I need to be smart about that. I can't just sort of be sloppy and throw it out there because I could unintentionally, you know, answer your primal question with a no. And that's not what I want to do as your friend. I want to affirm your value. You know, for me, if you're connecting and wanting to have a healthy relationship with me, and you know, my primal question is, am I safe? You're going to be making sure that like, one of the things that I appreciate and Q1s appreciate is clarity. Don't be vague with me. Don't, don't sort of leave these open loops of like where my sort of catastrophic thinking mind can go to all the things that you might be saying, or, you know, it's like, am I getting fired? And it's like, you never really said anything like that, but you were not clear in terms of my future at this job. And so I'm like, Is she going to fire me? Is this my, you know, so clarity. 

And if we know these needs and sort of the best way to answer yeses for our friends and spouses and moms and dads, this just totally changes the whole dynamic of how we interact and relate with each other. So yes, it's not everybody's business to know our primal question, but if we want healthy relationships with each other, it's a good idea to know it.

[00:24:15] Stephanie Gutierrez: It is, and I'd love to talk for a second about the concept of self regulation. So we've talked about how we can communicate what we need and other people can customize their communication toward us, us toward them. 

So, for example, I'll go back to my question for a second.  I've developed thick skin early on in the workforce. And so a good enough question person is often sensitive to criticism or they struggle with needing to feel like what they're doing obviously is good enough, and for some reason in the workplace that it hasn't been terribly difficult for me. And I don't know why that is, but I will say it like thinking of my marriage relationship. I mean, Danny can walk through the door and barely, he doesn't even say anything that's a criticism, but let's say that he sees, I don't know, an unfinished project here or something there, and he might just mention it casually, not even criticizing me. If I am not aware of my question or thinking of my, my previous way of responding, or if I'm not in a space, I'm answering that question, no. And I am feeling like we're having one of those days where nothing feels good enough. I can have a big reaction and be like, I could not get to that today because I had 50 other things that I was doing and there's not enough time. And all of a sudden, this irrational, larger than life response can come out and it could make the other person feel like, hello, I don't even know where that came from.

So knowing my question can help them understand and, you know, two big responses. How can we take ownership? And I mean, that's something I've worked on, but I'd love to hear your perspective on it. How can we recognize that question maybe in that moment and go, oh my gosh, hold on. How can I reign this in and not answer no so loudly to everyone around me?

[00:26:04] Mike Foster: That's a great question. And, and really the concept that I write about in the book around that is this whole idea of self leadership and self leadership means, and as you're kind of unpacking your relationship to your question, and in the different domains of your life, it's interesting to me where Stephanie, like, perhaps in your career, your vocation, there's a lot of resiliency and strength in, in the question and really, you know, if I was writing a prescription to everybody's primal question, it's what I would call living in your primal truth, which again is attached to this whole self leadership.

And it's really where we take our question and we turn it into a statement. So, if I am good enough at work, I will become good enough. Okay. And so, but perhaps that primal truth versus primal question, tension plays out a little bit differently in the different domains of your life. So in many ways, you're not scrambling at work to try to feel good enough. You're looking at the data, you're living in the truth. You know, your skills, you know, your strengths, what you're bringing to the table. You're not asking the question, thus you're not getting a yes or no, thus you're not falling into your scramble and having this sort of emotional dysregulation happen, but perhaps in your relationship with your husband, it's perhaps some days we're in the question, some days we're in the statement. And so anytime we're noticing big emotional reactions, again, the kryptonite is really someone shaking your snow globe like you go into when he walked through the door and said something about something and you got kind of loud and you got into a defensive posture. That's all that's your scramble. 

[00:28:08] Stephanie Gutierrez: Totally.

[00:28:09] Mike Foster: He gave you a no unintentionally. You go into your scramble. And again, part of the scramble is what we learned as kids to get that need met. So, basically, what you're doing is using kid logic to solve your adult problem at that moment. And what I would say is the way you're solving it is well, let me prove to him how good I am. Let me explain myself. As if you have to explain yourself, right? You don't, but, but your kid logic says you do, because that's how this whole game of the primal question works. And so this idea of leading ourselves and being aware is like 90 percent of the battle. Just being aware of it, I'm noticing I get really irritated when my husband says this or does this, or I notice that I really feel unsafe when this happens in my life and I'm in my scramble. I am just aware of this when we get some kryptonite, when somebody shakes our snow globe, being aware.

But then secondly, having the power to actually meet our own needs. And what I mean by that is I get to move, I get to remind myself that I'm not the little kid who can't protect himself. I'm not little Mike who is not safe anymore. I'm an adult Mike who has plenty of strength, power, resources, voice, options, autonomy, freedom to make myself safe. That's the truth. Okay. But there's this little kid inside of all of us who's just asking that question. And it's a legitimate question, but the adult part of us has to come in and say, I got it. Okay. I'm going to leave. Like, Stephanie, you don't have to ask whether you're good enough. Okay. You don't have to ask that question anymore even if that little girl still has that question. You get to self lead yourself as an adult. And yes when your husband says something that feels critical or judgey or whatever might come across in terms of some of his comments. You don't have to jump to the scramble because you already know that you're good enough.

[00:30:38] Stephanie Gutierrez: Yeah, absolutely. And it's so interesting that the people who are closest to us so often see it because we can hold it together during the rest of the day and maybe be struggling a little bit with the question. But, you know, we're just hang on, hang on, hang on, and you see somebody close to you and they might not even say anything that's necessarily says no, or maybe to the question. It's just the way we interpret it, maybe even based on previous experiences from the day. And that's what can throw them so much. Because they're like, I don't know what I said or I did. And when we really think about it, there maybe isn't even anything they said or they did. It's just this inner battle or war inside of us can come out in those moments, but it is helpful.

I remember after I had done that a few times and I learned about the primal question, I said to him, you know, because he's like, I'm not sure what I said. And I went, you know what, you didn't say anything. Actually, you were literally just making some observations. This is how I interpreted it, and I just need you to know that I am asking myself that question so frequently that sometimes I'm overly sensitive thinking you might be asking it when you're not. So it really opens the door. I think there's some fantastic conversation for people and for our missionary listeners, they can use this certainly in their marriage relationship, but they can use this in a lot of other relationships with their relationships with their kids. If they have teammates with kids, with anyone that you get close to, because this comes out and really throws things off for people. It can feel very confusing. 

So I'd love for you to, could you give some examples for each of the questions? I know we've spent some time on the good enough, but and a little bit on purpose and safety, what might it look like for some of these other questions?  What might not look like, look like, or maybe, and how can they get themselves to a good place on the other side as well?

[00:32:32] Mike Foster: So one of the things that's very helpful when I'm working with clients is getting very clear on what your scramble looks like. Defining that. What are the strategies that you use to try to force the answer back to a yes. So let's take, am I secure? I write about this individual in the book, his name's Davis and he's a multimillionaire with a jet flying down to see me. And his primal question is, am I secure? And so he wonders whether he has enough money. And he's probably worth about 500 million. So he's got enough money in my book, that would be like, you got enough. Right. But I always tell people, like, remember when we're talking about these core primal needs, these primal questions, these early childhood imprints, it's like math is no match for emotions and numbers are no match for needs.

And so like, all of it can be sort of like, well, of course it's enough, but that's how powerful this core need is within us. So somebody who has 500 million, who has a core need for financial security, still doesn't feel like that's enough. That's how powerful that need is. And so again, we got to look at one of his parts of his scramble, working 60, 70 hours a week, flying all over the country, you know, leading his business and his company. And he's just sort of hooked into this mission of financial security, when the truth says, you are financially secure. Don't worry about it. You'll be okay.  

You know, for the, the primal question of, am I wanted, we want to be very aware of how important relationships are to us and being included and just the invite. And this is where if we're working with people on our team or even family members, I want to make sure if somebody has a cue for the question, am I wanted? I'll make sure I invite them to everything. Even if I think they might not be able to come, like maybe they're in a different country. Okay. I still want to invite them because I want them to know that they're included because that matters to them. Now, it doesn't matter to me. I don't care if you invite me or not, because I have a very different primal question. Okay. But am I wanted, you're going to want to orient and think through some of the implications of things. So always invite them in.  

You know, a person with Q5, am I successful? If you have someone like that on your team or in your friend's network, man, you want to, you want to identify their accomplishments. Like you really want to say, wow, you like when they win, let's throw a party. Like, let's celebrate that because that feels really good. 

And we also need to notice, and the book goes into this also, the kryptonite reactions that we have? So like if we have somebody who has on our team has a primal question of, am I successful? When things start to fail, that's their kryptonite. And so we're wondering like, why is Joe so upset because we had this setback here? Well, because Joe feels like he's failing. And so you're now interacting with Joe's scramble. You're not interacting with Joe anymore. Okay. And so just to be able to see the matrix and all of this stuff to, to understand, why is Mike so grumpy today? Well, because you're interacting with Mike scramble mode today, because he doesn't feel safe. It's getting to this really compassionate, understanding place of each other, all built around a need all built around understanding needs and the power of that need. 

And, everything just starts to click, Stephanie. And that's the fun part about this. It's like, oh, I see what's going on here. Not only within myself, but with the people that I'm in relationship with.

[00:36:53] Stephanie Gutierrez: And that's the best way you can catch yourself starting to go there before you fully go there. And you're like, okay, now I know why I'm feeling this way. Or now I know why they're feeling this way. To your point, these are not logical reactions. So if someone is looking at themselves or somebody else with an analytical perspective, it doesn't make sense.

I mean, you wanted to invite people, even if you know, they can't come to somebody looking at this analytically, it's like, that's stupid. Why am I going to invite you if you already know you can't come? It doesn't matter to a person who's asking that question. And so for the logical person, quit analyzing it. If it's their question, just roll with it. Just invite them. Like don't argue with their question because you don't want people to argue with yours. You want them to just flow with yours. So like, we're looking at safety. I'm sure there's a lot of missionaries who probably have that question. And you think about it, I'm picturing missionaries with each of these questions.

And so like, let's say it's safety, which you obviously resonate with heavily. Missionaries living in unsafe environments, which many are, I can't imagine what that would feel like to live in that constant instability. And so, you know, and I'll ask you as somebody who's safe. Let's say that you were living in an unstable environment or something with a lot of change and very little clarity as you said you needed. What would be some ways that you would manage that?

[00:38:23] Mike Foster: Yeah, it's a great question. So, and this is true of all the questions, but, you know, we have to have a strategy for getting yeses. Because you actually can't function or thrive or be awesome at what you do if you're constantly in your scramble. Okay. If you're constantly managing no's and maybe's, that is not going to produce great results in your life and in your family and in any aspect. But sometimes I look at my need for safety and I go, well the world is not going to change its ways in order for my need to be met. It's just not the way the world works, so then what? All right. So I'm kind of like the world's not going to change. I have this need for safety, so I've got to get really smart and say, I can't have perfect safety, nor should that ever be the expectation that I should have my needs met perfectly. But there are three components of how we meet that need. 

So number one, I believe this is what God's core relationship with you is based on. I think he wants to orient his relationship and his communication and his truth actually around whatever your primal question is. So allow God to meet that need. So if I have the need for safety, I'm going to think about God as my protector, my refuge, my fortress that he's got me in his hands and he is looking after me, making me safe. Secondly, I would invite other people to participate in it. Who are safe people to me? Who are people that make me feel protected? Invite them in, let them answer yes to your primal question. And then finally you, you actually have to answer your own needs. So what can I do? What do I need to do to feel more safe? 

I mean, I'll give you kind of a ridiculous one. And you know, I live in a suburb of San Diego, which is very different from probably a lot of the contexts that missionaries live in terms of safety. But here's kind of a silly one, but this is kind of my point. I've got a lot of nightlights in my house. Little nightlights all over my house, because that helps me feel safer because I don't like the dark. And that's a very tiny thing. But I found like, you know what? That helps me feel a little bit safer. So guess what I'm doing? I'm putting lots of nightlights in my house. There's no dark spaces in my house at 2 o'clock in the morning. There's all these little nightlights, lighting all the little hallways, and you know, overheads. 

And so, find the things that feel like a yes. You'll often experience many nos and maybes in your life, but if we look to God, we look to others, and then we lead ourselves into the yeses, then we live in a much more empowered place around that, that real need that we have.

[00:41:49] Stephanie Gutierrez: That's so good. And for people in your life who really love you, they'll accompany that. I mean, I know I had a friend and she had the question, am I wanted, for sure. And when we would go to different gatherings or small groups or different things, I mean, I just kind of hype her up beforehand. And this is before I even knew about primal questions, but I knew the insecurity that she would go into these things with. And so we would just have a kind of hype session. And I was like, everyone here wants to be your friend. They all like you. They all want to talk to you. I know it. As we kind of go in together and laugh about it. And I think it made a difference, you know, in the sense that we were trying to help pre answer that question for her. And it wasn't always, there were moments where we'd spin things like a weird thing would happen and I'd spin it. Maybe it was some rejection.  But we find just different ways, I think, of laughing through it or managing through it. 

But I think for a missionary who might feel, maybe that's their question, and they feel overlooked. Maybe it's by teammates. Maybe they're not getting opportunities. Maybe they feel forgotten by supporters, which can really happen. Are there churches? I don't know a missionary who hasn't felt that at some point in time. It is going back to that telling yourself, no, God has placed me here. He wants me, and I'm just going to pretend everybody here wants me.

I mean, you've got to do some tricks on your brain or, or the successful, I think so many people in ministry or missionaries, you have the pressure of producing your newsletter or your end of the year report, and you've got to show numbers and what you did. And sometimes there are years where there's not a lot of tangible things to show for it. And so that's a moment where you're going to have to confront that. We've talked about good enough, the whole purpose. I would venture to guess there's a lot of missionaries who would answer yes to that question. Kind of like with strength finders, a lot of missionaries tend to have belief and there's going to be seasons where you're on the field and you're like, what am I doing? Does this have meaning? Is it really helping people? Not that it's not a good question to ask to reevaluate life a little bit sometimes, but letting that drive you to the point where you're like, I'm not going to do this anymore because I can't see what the immediate purpose is. Ask God to help show you what the purpose is or ask your teammates.

And there's been so many times where with my question, I've asked, you know, Danny, my husband, and just been like, hey, I, this is how I'm feeling. And he'll just, in a good way, he'll just laugh. He'll go, tell me all the things you're doing right now. You know, tell me how things are going. And I'll talk about it. And he goes, how can you not see that you're good enough? You are doing so many things and doing them so well. And just hearing that back from another person is just good for your soul. So drawing and other people, like you said, yes. 

[00:44:28] Mike Foster: Presenting the truth versus this wounded kid inside of us, who's not sure and is asking this question, whether I'm good enough. I'm going to present the facts and the facts are really important, but it's a big work that we're doing here in terms of understanding ourselves, kind of our needs by the way, one of the most beautiful things.

 I want to encourage the missionaries, whatever your primal question is, one of the things that the research shows is that we take our primal question and we put it over everybody else and we assume that they're asking the exact same question that we are, even though they may be asking a different question, but we're going to orient ourselves in relationships and do work with people based on our own primal questions. So the person who has the, am I wanted question, has a superpower of connection and belonging who sees the outsider like nobody else sees the outsider has ability to create this collection of people and friendship. And that's their strength because they have learned to answer yes to their own question.

Maybe another way to say is that the thing that you need most is the thing that you most give away. So, Stephanie, for you, the thing that you need most is to feel valued and worthy. My guess, it is the very thing that you give away, and it's your superpower in relationships, helping other people feel valued and worthy. And think about this, I would think about parenting. We take our question and we put it over our child, and that's the thing that we actually want to answer most clearly for our children. So I would imagine like with your daughter, the thing that you want her to know the most is how valuable and worthy she is, because that's just, again, the lens of how you see all relationships.

The thing that you want most is the thing that you most want to give away. So if you know, it's, am I wanted, man, you're, you have the superpower of belonging. If it's, am I good enough? You have the superpower of distributing value and worth in the people. If it's, am I loved? Well, you have this ability to, know, see, and hear, and listen, and empathize with people. If it's, am I safe? And you have the ability to protect and create safety and reduce risk for people. And so it's this beautiful superpower and strength that comes from this need. And so it's not just about our own self awareness or even relationships, but it's a gift that we have that needs to be deployed into the work that we're doing.

[00:47:15] Stephanie Gutierrez: Mike, that was the perfect note to end on because for everybody who's asking like, what is my secret need and what am I trying to ask? Which could feel like a heavy question. You're reminding us that there is this beautiful piece on the other side. We are giving away what it is that we most need. And so that's a way that God can use us to impact the people around us. I know I'm guessing everybody's curiosity has peaked to the max and they're wanting to take the assessment and find out more and read the book. So can you tell us how people can find out more?

[00:47:47] Mike Foster: Yeah, so free assessment takes about 5 minutes at primalquestion.com. You'll get a page that has a little video about some things to be aware of with your particular question, some topics and things in terms of some personal coaching around your project.

Your particular question is so great. It's a great place to start. Stephanie, just in terms of let me figure out what my primal question is, take the assessment. And then secondly, the book is just a deeper dive into the concepts that we talked about today. And gives you a greater build out of each profile with each question, some of the implications of how it applies to marriage, how it applies to parenting, how it applies to teams, all that's within the book. And you can buy that at the website, primalquestion.com or it's available at amazon.com all books and all things seem to be these days.

[00:48:47] Stephanie Gutierrez: And we will make sure to post links to all of these things. So it's easy for everybody to find. 

Mike, thank you. First of all, for taking all of the time and effort and work and research of putting this together. And then secondly, thanks for sharing it with us today. It's on behalf of everybody listening.  Thank you very, very much.

[00:49:05] Mike Foster: Well, thanks, Stephanie. It's been a pleasure being with you today and thanks for the work that you're doing. It's incredibly important. I just want to be a cheerleader for it. So thanks for letting me play a small part in what you're doing too.

[00:49:17] Stephanie Gutierrez: Look at you affirming me. I feel that. What a great, great way to end. Thank you, Mike. I appreciate it.